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12:46pm 30/12/2009
Here to remind you of the mess you left.
What are some koool things to do in Florida? I don't really like touristy "things everyone does who doesn't live there" things. I'm an exploring person. When I go somewhere, I don't want to go shopping and see museums and stuff, though that can be fun too. The only things I've found so far that most appeal to me, are, the beaches of course, but...naturey things, like going to the Everglades and snorkeling in fish abundant reefs. Is there whale watching in Florida? I always think of that as being more of a Vancouver thing. Sigh. I wanna live by the ocean.
Anyway, we'll only be there for five days, sadly... so I'm sure one of those will be spent visiting Disney. One or half of one. My mom was the one who mentioned that. It doesn't hugely appeal to me, but I guess I shouldn't go to Florida without going to Disney.
The silly thing I would love to do(and have since a very young age), but know I wont, is go treasure hunting. There's something about the idea of treasure hunting that excites me greatly.
After exploring the possibility of treasure hunting, I came upon a picture of a shell covered beach, and it came to my mind that while I know I wont find any treasure, I will definitely find shells. So silly treasure hunting has become silly beach combing.

So, things Onoes want to do whilst in Florida:
Treasure hunt
Big, awesomely koool, pretty shell hunt
Explore the Everglades
Hug every Palm tree
Dunno what else.

What else is koool to do for a lame girl?

I am so tired and going to bed right now.
mood: tiredtired
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Sometimes I love not having a life. Especially during spring break.  
12:34am 24/12/2009
Here to remind you of the mess you left.


Blah, blah, blah. Fly to Toronto. Blah.

Sun, Mar 28
Flights: WESTJET, WS 1106
From: TORONTO ON, CANADA (YYZ) Departs: 5:45pm
Departure Terminal: TERMINAL 3
To: TAMPA, FL (TPA) Arrives: 8:29pm
Aircraft: BOEING 737-700 JET Distance (in Miles): 1087
Duration: 2 hour(s) and 44 minute(s)
Please verify flight times prior to departure

Thank you, that is all.
mood: happyhappy
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01:19am 21/12/2009
Here to remind you of the mess you left.
So I've almost purposefully been engorging myself on baking and terrible things this past little while, and especially today. I've decided that I'm going to be really stupid and go crazy over the holidays(what is a holiday in my world, one might ask...) and in the new year... I suppose one might call this my new years resolution, I'm going to first cut sugar right out for at least a week, hopefully more like two, and then just not eat any crap like that. The sugar in fruit will be enough to satiate my sweet cravings. Why should I need that other crap? Maybe now and then I'll have something. A special occasion.
Most people set these kinds of goals up for themselves and fail, and I undoubtedly will too, but I'm not going to let those failures push me down and not care again. I'm not fat, but I'm a little more chubby than I'd like to be. This is what I'm going to do for myself. Only...it's hard, cause my mind is so anxious about seemingly more important things in my life, like...how do I get one? My current anxiety is what kind of career am I going to have. That's sort of been mine current one for years now... But it is more my current now more than ever. Or rather...I feel more serious about it. I'm ready, or I feel more ready, to take the step and move forward.
So, thinking of things like that, which for me take up most my thinking power until I just want to sit and do nothing and eat, since eating is my comfort, and hobby, make it hard for me to think of how to stay on track and not eat crap. Obviously my hobby of eating crap is a big problem here. And food being a comfort makes a big circle in the oh crap what am I going to do? I need to find a career, but want to lose weight and be more healthy. I'm really making sense. Basically, me not knowing what I want to do in my immediate next step in life, makes losing eight a hard thing.
Now, lately especially and specifically, I've noticed a change in my body that is not pleasant, and in fact rather uncomfortable. My body has become an inconvenience to me. I feel gross. So that is partly where my resolution comes from. I don't like calling it a resolution, though, because it has nothing to do with the end and start of the year. It's just simply that the celebrations end in January, so there wont be anything around to temp me. ...Except of course for the fact I live with my mother. A person who likes to eat more than me, and who always has junk food hidden around the house. I'm not going to let her stop me though. I mostly use her as an excuse. She's a fair excuse, but she's still an excuse. You don't get anything without hard work...unless you're a spoiled child on EI in your parents house.
Speaking of which. I knew it would happen, but I'm reluctant to take it anyway. My sister just bought a new house ans sold her other one. It's much bigger, it's a duplex, and to help her in more ways than one, she's offered me a room in her house. Not for free, mind, but for way cheaper than anywhere I could find in the city, I'm sure. Now, my brother has taken the upstairs suit, and besides kind of wanting to be either on my own, or with people I could make and find friends with and through, I don't particularly want to be living in the same house with him. He's load and obnoxious and his life style other than that, is even further from my own... Anyway, he swears he's not staying there for long. Claims he's going to buy a house with his "buddies"... Why anyone would want to do that is beyond me. A stupid idea, if I might say so. But anyway, if he did, I'd take his suit. I know my brother pretty well, despite not knowing him, and I know that he's a dreamer, and I'm sure this plan..well... It might work, but I wonder at how long. Anyway, my point is that I doubt he's really moving out. I also don't want to take any other rooms in the house from my sister, because she needs the space case the point in building the house was so she could fix it up. I'm not 100% sure about the option. Living with my brother, and or taking up my sisters space. Not to mention the mess and noise that would be going on.
I don't know. I kind of like the idea of my own quite little apartment all by myself. A clean pretty kitchen, and fish tank set up in the living area. I could finally let my life develop. I could find my own personal decorating life come to being. Something about it just excites me. On my own. Hmmm... What about one of those apartments that come with gyms in the basement. That might be nice. I'd be intimidated and embarrassed at first, but then I'd be happy.
I think about a scenario like that and worry about being alone and getting depressed, but then I think...I'd be in the city. I could call up Jenny or Rob or Krista. We could get together now and then. Or I could call Jenny's parents. I could go over any time. I'm pretty much family. My sister is there, and Caitlin told me that if I moved back to the city, we'd go for coffee. And despite the fact I once half tried to see her after the Emporium closed last year, and she didn't reply, I believe her. I feel like we would meet up and do things. If not, I'd bug her so much she'd do it just to get me off her back. I'd have a job, even if it were dead end...so that would take my mind off most my day and I wouldn't be alone for it.
I'm a dreamer, just like my brother. Full of talk, but no action. Always a "someday".

I'm tired. I think I'm going to go to bed.
mood: tiredtired
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01:40am 19/12/2009
Here to remind you of the mess you left.
Rascal is on his way home for a second time. Currently in Winnipeg. I meanwhile... I'm doing my best to not let the world get to me. Now that I've turned down massage school, I'm back to figuring out what I want to do. It's also only a matter of time before my mom snaps and starts laying pressure again. That's when I'll really start feeling the world. Now, however... Things are fine. I seem to be getting paid more or less every week... Christmas is coming. I've finished the gingerbread house. ...Except for about 7 gummy bears. My life seems to consist of eating, sleeping and tv, which doesn't do me any good staying fit wise. I've gained almost 15 pounds since summer, despite my on and off half assed efforts...which as half assed as they are, are still more than normal. Sigh. I just feel fat. Not comfortable in my own skin.
It finally got cold about a week and a half ago...so going outside is a no. We still don't really have any snow, though. Wasn't it -46C a couple days ago in Edmonton? Crazy. Never been in that before... I don't think. Unless maybe with the windchill.
So yeah, I'm back to figuring out life. ...Career wise. I'm always trying to figure out life. Art, animals, and now writing are the only things that come to mind... I just don't know what to do with them. I'd love to work at the zoo or something. Become a zoo keeper. The city does the hiring though...which is a plus, but it also means it's probably harder to get into... They're also not hiring anyone at the moment.. Seems kind of like a strange far off job anyway. I wouldn't need to go to school for it though, and I believe I really would enjoy it.
In my thoughts, Olds College has come back to mind. I don't believe I could ever go there...but I still like to think of it. And by "I don't believe I could ever go there", I just means that it seems impractical. Especially as there isn't really a place for that kind of work in Manitoba. A least in a successful way. I'd have to move to Alberta....which is ok with me, but... What? None of it makes sense.
What the hell am I going to do? I hate feeling like I'm not going anywhere.
I guess the long term plan now, is to... sit and do nothing. ... No. I want to talk to some sort of Career advisor or something. See if they can make sense out of my ... for lack of a better word, interests. I also think that come spring, I'm going to volunteer at a ranch for some horse experience. I was looking at their pamphlet all last summer. I'm stuck here with nothing to do...might as well ...do something? Also, one of the requirements for Olds College...if I read correctly, is 150 hours experience on a ranch. I'm sure I'll never get to the college, but in case I do... I guess? I want experience anyway. I want in that world. I don't care if I'm shoveling crap. I want to be there. I don't think these people have a barn, though. So I wouldn't be shoveling crap. It's more for feeding and brushing the horses. I bet I'd be helping out with the organization of the rides and camps and what not too. I dunno. I shouldn't be thinking too much about this place, really. I sent them an email in September and never heard back from them. I'll probably just be screwed once again in the volunteer area. Manitoba sucks. I just want to learn about and be around horses. They just...make me happy.
I like having these no snow El Nino winters. I feel like spring is right around the corner. Normally I'm dreading the fast approaching January. ...And then February. ...And then March. March is never so bad, though. The snow starts melting then. Finishes around the end of April. There's always snow on May 1st, though. THERE IS! I was going to build a quinsy this year... Oh well, I'll take a mild winter over snow fun any day.
I think I'm tired. Maybe I'll go to bed now.
Hope Rascal comes soon. I'll say Monday at the latest. ...Unless they don't work on weekends... Then Wednesday. Cross your fingers that he's properly fixed. I want my baby home.
mood: tiredtired
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11:18pm 14/12/2009
Here to remind you of the mess you left.
So, I'm not going to do it, because I'm a huge disappointment, and because I don't want to. Now to shoot myself and be done with it.
mood: contentcontent
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01:53pm 14/12/2009
Here to remind you of the mess you left.
So I went to bed last night and tried falling asleep, when suddenly a thought popped into my head. Tomorrow, then in a day, I have to decide whether to commit or not to school. Immediately I became terrified. I went over it in my head again. If not massage then what else? I lay petrified, and felt like I was being pushed back a few years. I don't know what I want. It's like I'm sabotaging myself again and again so I'll never get out of this place in life. I'll never get anywhere, I'll always be leeching off my parents. I truly felt last night that I didn't want to go through with it. I kept picturing myself in session and it just didn't go. When I see myself in future happy, I see me either outside or sitting at a desk. I don't really know what that means, though. What would I be doing outside? And there's no way I want a desk job. I can't stand how I can't stay on and commit myself to one thing and feel like yes, this is what I want. I have to doubt it and go over it again and again until I finally say no. I don't want it. It makes me wonder if I'm really just afraid of advancing in life. I've become too comfortable these past few years in my routine of lazy assedness. As much as I hate it, I love sitting around complaining about my life and either having a part time job, or no job at all, living off my last cheque.
I woke up this morning and wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep, because I was still terrified. I thought for sure sleeping through the night would make it go away. I was just tired. Well...it's not as bad as it was last night, but I still have no idea what I'm doing. I keep wavering between committing and so not that I freak out a little. I'm afraid. I don't know what to do once more. I wish someone would decide for me, despite my wanting to be in control of my life.
Actually what I really want is someone to tell me it's a good idea and back me up all the way. I have no one and my mom's a negative doubter. I can't stand it. If she'd stop being so negative, my life would be that much easier. I might not have ever been in this place to begin with. A little encouragement. It's all I need. It's all I've ever needed. It's all I said when I was depressed, now that I think of it, but all my "friends" said was that I needed to hear the bad stuff. It would help me grow. Screw them. All I needed was their love and encouragement. All I got was dumped and abandoned. I did grow a little though. I became more of a cynic. It's harder than ever for me to make new friends now. The one thing I really want.
The director of MTCM was quite encouraging. Maybe that's where I should be. Forget all this other crap. Just go for it.
mood: Stuck in the past
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08:09pm 11/12/2009
Here to remind you of the mess you left.
It sucks not having anyone to talk to. I mean that in general, but more specifically as of late, what with Rascal gone. Took him to the city yesterday for the people and sent him away collect. Fastest and probably(hopefully) most expensive way possible. He should be back in Ontario by now. They better fix him good and right this time. ...Not that I could do anything if they didn't.
Had a slightly eventful day yesterday. I was somehow volunteered to go have fun in the city, by myself of course. Somehow my dad thought I wanted to go in... I was sort of whisked away. Anyway, took Rascal in, got some candy for the gingerbread house, creeped out a Petcetera employee even more, walked aimlessly around Polo Park mall, got to deposit my "I'm lazy and or unfortunate" cheque. I suppose I could qualify under the unfortunate bit. Not going to drive into the city for a 4 hour shift at some crappy job...which seems to be all I'm capable of at the moment, but I like to think of it as being more of a mixture. Can't get a job, and while money is nice, I don't want one. I do want one though... I dunno. It's more fun getting money for nothing. ...I suppose.
After all my fun, aka time wasting, my family actually got together and went out for dinner, and not any dinner. No fast food, crappy restaurant dinner. We went to the Olive Garden. Possibly one of my favorite restaurants. I love their salad, and Alfredo rules. All five of us were there, and we got a free sample of wine. Whee. My dad of course had none, and surprisingly my sister also did not. I thought she would... Merlot. It was a bit weak. Almost too smooth, which is odd for me to say as that's the reason I'm such a Shiraz fan. The smooth body.
Anyway, after dinner, my brother and sister going their own way, since they both live in the city, my parents and I went to Costco for fun. Wheeeee! Fun is a little lacking out here, so... you gotta get what you can? We had two cars, so I ended up going back home with my dad, cause he had one more stop, and that was to get a Christmas tree. Hurray for the tree. We have a tree. We picked it up, my fingers froze, and off home we went.
Forgot to mention, yesterday was the first day of wearing a winter jacket. I shamefully put it on and went to the city. Took it off and left it in the car to go to Polo. It's always so hot in there. Even in the summer...which is odd to say as summer is hot.
Had lots of thinking all day yesterday. Talked to my dad on the way in, fell asleep weighing my options in my mind that evening. My mom sews doubt. It's just what she does. It's why I want to get away from her all the time. She's negative and always trying to find bad things. Sometimes it's not a bad thing that she does it, too. I just don't like it, cause I'm easily swayed.
Anyway, feeling lots of doubt, I think real hard about massage and what else I could be doing. Is there anything I'd enjoy more or that would better suit me? The only thing that comes to my mind is Art, and animals. I'd love to be a rancher, but it seems impossible...especially in Manitoba...though we are farm country... I wouldn't know where to begin with something like that, and who could say it's for me? What do I know about cattle and horses? I just like the idea. Though I do love the way I feel around them...specifically horses. Awe and calmness. Happiness, love. More than that. It's unexplainable. There's fear, too.
The other is art. Artists don't make a lot of money. Come to think of it...neither do Massage Therapists. Photography I love, but I'd keep it for a hobby. I don't want to be a designer, I don't want to be a sign maker. Can't see myself making ads for tv. I just like art. I used to draw. I amuse myself with paint. What else is there for me in this world? I could be a vet, but school is long and intense and I'd come out being pretty much a doctor, which isn't what I want to be. I don't want to be putting animals down either. I just don't think I'd like the day to day vet job.
No art, no animals. Keep them all for hobbies. So what, then? Massage. But why? I don't completely know. So why am I risking money on it? It's kind of like being a doctor too, but then it feels different when I think of it. dljNafdkl;j So.. Whether it's because I'm tired of going over things all the time and tired of my life and whatever... I'm just going to do it. Stick with it.
Last time I made a similar decision, I ended up losing two grand and being kind of angry... Well, I was severally depressed and didn't know a thing about what I wanted. This is different, though, somehow. I'm going into specific classes this time around, where as then I was all over the board. Didn't know how University worked and no one was going to help me figure it out. I know what I'm getting into this time, though. It'll be different.
Just came back from putting up the tree. Then it fell over as it thawed...so we put it back up. So as I was saying, I guess I'm going for school. And why not? I just spent the past couple months getting things together for it. I'm just doubtful because of my mother. Sigh. Anyway, I'm bored of writing this entry. I'll go back and make sure the tree doesn't fall over again. Continue to decorate the gingerbread house...or maybe I'll read. Whatever.
mood: contentcontent
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05:42pm 09/12/2009
Here to remind you of the mess you left.
So, to hell with Acer and to hell with Purolator as well. They said they'd come pick up my computer today and take it all the way back to southern Ontario to fix a second first time, but they didn't. I even got up early and had a miserably cold and tired morning in case they were kind enough to make the hour long trip here from the city early. I can't believe I still have the hope that they'll show up before the day is over as most locations seem to be open until 9. Had I a business, I'd make sure to do what I said. If you can't trust someones word, what can you trust? Not trying to be cliche, but it's kind of true. Or maybe I am just being cliche... I guess it's silly to hope that I'll have Rascal around and working for Christmas. How annoying.
mood: bored, cold, and annoyed
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09:07pm 08/12/2009
Here to remind you of the mess you left.
So I walked out of my freezing room this morning...or afternoon, whatever you feel like calling it, to find a large brown box in my way. "Rascal!" I squealed, and sillily put the box in my bed and under the covers to keep him warm while I checked to see if anyone was home and got dressed. After doing so I brought the box into the livingroom and cut into the tape which sealed him snug in his box. Well, out came Rascal and next his cord before plugging him in I turned him on. He booted nicely, though there was no start up program like when I first got hm, to give him a name...so I'm hoping he still remembers who he is...cause you know he's a real living thing and has feelings. Anyway, he booted and I got him to connect to our network, and opened Explorer so I could find Firefox to download cause I refuse the probably better Chrome, and before I found Firefox, Rascal died. His screen went blank and the power shut off. Even though I had seen that his battery was full, I plugged him in, hopeful that he just didn't have any power and I saw the battery amount wrong. I thought it odd that he would shut off without warning me were it really a battery issue, but I was in denial. Anyway, I plugged him in and tried turning him on again. He started to boot, and got as far as the disk scanning part when he decided to quit again, and blanked. So I cursed, tried again to no avail and then after a couple tears phoned the company about it. They got me to run some tests, but in the end he has to be sent back. They've arranged for someone to pick him up, instead of me going into the city and remailing him which I think is a rather nice thing. It's retarded that they'd send him back to me in the state he's in, but I have respect for the other part of their customer service. Better than any other phone in customer service I've dealt with. I suppose it's the repair part that counts, though. Sigh. It's interesting that all their tech support people have so far sounded the same in voice and have East Indian accents. Almost makes me think they're the same people. S'kinda funny. Anyway, it's been arranged that someone come and get him tomorrow, but I don't know when, so I guess I'll have to get up. Boo. =P

Oh! Oh! I also got some money FINALLY from EI. Oh being unemployed. Getting more a week than I did working in Osborne. I'ma see if I can keep it going through school. Probably not. I've got two months before that, though. Mwahaha.

We have a gingerbread house that needs assembling and decorating. I wanna, but I've got no candy. I guess I can go into the city now and buy some, though. I got lots of time for Christmas baking this year too. Laaast year I had a boy to entertain. Pfft. I think I would have rather been doing that then, though. And now I feel kinda bad.
Anyway...what to do tomorrow? Wake up, wait for guy to give Rascal to... Bake. Put outside for freezing. S'funny how we have almost no snow. It's like El Nino all over again. I liked El Nino. We didn't have snow until Christmas. The day of or the day before. I don't remember.
I wannanother Helix. Shoulda put that on my Christmas list. I wanna add Lego, too. Everyone likes Lego. Some even buy, like... $300 in one go on it they like it so much...

Drugs drugs drugs. Which are good? Which are bad? Drugs drugs drugs. Ask your local street corner dealer.

I think I'm bored and have nothing to do... I'll go now.
mood: contentcontent
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01:29pm 08/12/2009
Here to remind you of the mess you left.
Rascal is here, but he's still broken, so I'm sending him back tomorrow.
mood: sadsad
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